Saskiaa♥'s Polyvore

Hey guys! so I know I'm not on here much anymore, it's just i'm so busy & don't really have time to make sets & pour my heart out on long sets on anymore haha. so i'm sorry, but keep checking here because I will post from time to time, just not as much as I used to :(
 
But anyway, the point of this post, was to give you other ways of contacting me & staying in touch ;3
 
So, I'm on twitter & tumblr practically every day, so if you ever need me for anything, whether it's just a chat, someone to talk or even someone to vent to, i'm here for you, always.
 
Now i'm rambling haha, but here are the links ;3
Twitter; @SaskiaaSteele
Tumblr; http://scrumptious-messiness.tumblr.com/
 
hope you are all well & hope to speak to you very soon!
lots of love, Saskia xx

i'm an idiot. i admit it.
I got the train today, just at the hope of maybe seeing your face, but you weren't there. Even though you had told me you normally get the train on Thursday's and you'd hoped you'd see my face. but that was a while ago now.
 
I guess a part of me is still not over it, and if I could have everything back to December, when everything felt so perfect I wanted to scream and jump around like an idiot with joy, I would do it. but i can't.
 
That's one of the things that sucks about life, that once you do something or something happens, it can't be undone, you can't just wish it away. It's done and done, nothing you can do.
 
I'm trying to get over you as best as I can, but it's not that easy, aaaaaaaah.
 
And then all of a sudden, there's you. One of the cutest things I think i've ever come across. you're lovely and you make me laugh. but i'm trying not to think about it because i always make mistakes, and just as i think everything is going to be ok, it all comes crashing back down again.

So I have had the most amazing past few days.
 
Thursday was my friend Pippa's surprise 17th party. We all arrived at her house, while she was at our friend Jess's house, oblivious to the fact we were at her house waiting for her. Her Mum said that her present was arriving soon and would be there hopefully before Pippa, but wouldn't tell us what it was. About half an hour later she went to the door saying her "present" was here. Four very gorgeous and beautiful boys walked in, and we all just stared. It was Pippa's fave band Franko.
 
They're not that well-known, but some of you might know them. If you've ever seen the lovely "Angus, Thongs & Perfect Snogging", it is Dave the Laughs band. They set up in her lounge, and then when Pippa arrived we all shouted surprise and when she saw Franko, she burst into tears. It was so lovely! :')
 
The boys were so lovely, and we got photos with them and chatted to them. They stayed for practically the whole night and were so down to earth and chatty. It was one of the most amazing nights of my life, because you were also there.
 
Things are going well with us, our friend tells me you like me and she knows I like you. She tells me the things you say on the phone to her about me and to be honest, you are so fucking perfect. I've realised, if things don't work out relationship wise between us, as long as I always have you in my life, i'll be happy. (But something relationship wise would be nice :3)
 
Then the next day it was our last day at school, it was funny and christmassy and then I hung out with two of my best friends, eating takeout and watching movies. Then that night you rung me and we just generally chatted, and you said about going to the cinema on Wednesday. Of course, I immediately accepted, extremely excited. I said how i'd pay because it was your birthday, and you replied with "no, because just being with you is enough". urgh, you are so amazing.
 
Then yesterday I was at my Dad's, and in the evening over at my friend Holly's, with a bunch of the girl's. We all talked about guys we liked, watched tv and movies and talked. it was so much fun.
 
Thing is, i'm worried i've now jinxed my happiness, because whenever I claim i'm happy, something happens to turn it around.
But if you've been following my posts on here (which I doubt many people have because they're crap haha) I thought you might like to know what's been happening in my life recently :3
 
anyway, i'm ranting now.

So you were round one of our friend's houses yesterday & halfway through our text conversation, where you invited me to a party, I received a text that read; "hey saskia would you want to go out with me sometime? ;)" I smiled and giggled, knowing it wasn't you and that it was him, but it still made me smile.
 
Because I then did what every teenage girl does; overanalyse. Surely you must have told him that you like me? otherwise he wouldn't have grabbed your phone and sent that text to me? i'm probably just being a typical girl here haha, but i really do hope i'm right.
 
I like the way you text me saying "you're cute" and that you can never get mad at me because i'm too cute to get mad at. You're simply amazing and I want you in my life as long as possible. Please, never change. thanks.

This is how I feel right now to be honest.
 
The last few days i've been thinking, always a dangerous thing for me to do, about how people always leave.
 
Last Sunday night I received a phone call telling me that there was a rumour going round about me, that was completely false, but people were believing it. People that I thought were my friends had started it, and I actually thought about ending my life. It felt like the whole world hated me, still does. I didn't know what to do, so I just did what I always do; sit on the floor crying my eyes out alone until I fall asleep.
 
Everything seems to be falling apart, yet again.
Everyone is drifting away, even my best friends. It feels like no one wants me & that everyone hates me, which they do.
 
I just wish people wouldn't listen to rumours & people wouldn't be so cruel as to make them up to ruin someone. Because it has certainly done that; ruined me. completely.

"What's up with her?"
 
Don't pin this on me dude.
It was your choice to cut me out, not mine.
 
urgh, asdfghjkl.

"you're lovely, you know thatt?"
 
actually made my day.
 
I've never said this before but... no, i can't say it.
because i'm scared, terrified actually.
 
bubble credit to: @yousawsomethingbeautifuldie

"Listen to music, it will help motivate ya to do work!"
"But then I start singing along & i can't concentrate!"
"Try listening to this"
 
It was Einaudi. My favourite composer. The most beautiful musician. ever.
 
"you like Einaudi?!"
"I love him :3"
 
wow. asdfghjkl. speechless. <3

You Me At Six - Stay With Me.
 

You got me into this song. We were sat on Facebook chat for hours, sending eachother links to songs on Youtube. You sent me this one and I wasn't sure if I was going to like it. I listened to it and it was amazing.
You never fail to amaze me with your music taste, it's simply the best.
 
We went on Stealth, and we were so excited! We didn't stop talking the whole queue line. Stupid me thinking it could have been awkward!
"It's so tall! My brother is terrified of heights"
"Me too, aren't you?"
"I wanted to be a pilot when I was older, so no, I can't be really"
I feel like i'm finding out new things about you every day.
 
We came off the ride grinning and you said how we had to go back to it when it was dark and go front row, how amazing it would be with all the lights shining. We went and met with everyone else who had been too chicken enough to go on it haha. You sat with some of their popcorn and offered me some.
"Do you want any? It's salted"
"No, I don't really like Popcorn haha. Yeah, i'm weird"
"Yeah, you are weird" and then you smiled.
 
When it got dark, we went over to Saw but then decided to go on Samurai. You followed me in the queue line and I had to do a double take :L
"But I thought you hated spinning rides?!"
"I do, but Sophie called me a big girl. That means I have to do it!"
I just laughed while you looked terrified. After much trying to convince you it wasn't that bad, we were talking with everyone else, and playing a game on the countries of the world. I can't stop thinking about your smile and laugh when Sophie was asked; "What region is Australia in?" or something like that I can't remember exactly :L and she replied; "left"
Everyone burst out laughing, it was the funniest thing.
We were nearly at the front when you put your phone to your ear.
"It's helping me to calm down, listen"
It was Explosions In The Sky. It's so beautiful.
 
On the walk away from the ride, we were talking about something and I said how I didn't like the dark;
"You don't like the dark?"
"No, i'm so silly, I just don't.... not being able to see what's there and stuff just... I just don't like it!"
"well, I had this theory that if you can't see the ghost, it can't see you"
"Well, that's stupid, because of course they can see you!"
"But they can't see through the dark Saskia?!"
"Er, yes they can! Can't they?!"
"Well, they used to be humans so i didn't think so... plus, I also used to think I could just use my duvet as an invisibility cloak"
We both just laughed, smiling the whole walk.
 
It poured of rain so we all ran into Burger King and sat in the warmth. Me and you just sat there in silence, but it wasn't awkward. at all. It was comfortable.
 
You dropped me home and I texted you to say thank you to your Mum for the lift. You then said you were on a dog walk and could you call. We talked for about 20 minutes before we both fell asleep as we were so exhausted!
 
I love how you are so kind.
I love how you text me in the morning.
I love your smile.
I love how you play guitar.
I love how you think i'm cute.
 
But all this scares me. I'm scared of liking you. And i'm not sure if I do yet. To those who are reading this, you're probably sat thinking how stupid I am, this whole thing makes it obvious I do. But the thing is, for me, it's not that easy. I am terrified of wearing my heart on my sleeve, because it's been taken and broken too many times before.
I'm scared I am going to do something stupid to frighten you away, or that you're just going to leave, disappear.
 
Everyone leaves.
Everything I touch, crumbles down.

So it's been about 6 months since you left me & since i've been feeling lost. But you asked me if I wanted to go on a walk with you tomorrow so we are.
 
I'm nervous, excited & scared.
Nervous; because i haven't seen you in so long.
Excited; that something might actually happen between us, that spark that i've been waiting for for 5 years.
But i am absolutely terrified & scared because i'm worried i'll see you & all the feelings will come flooding back to me. I'll fall for you all over again, then you're realise i'm the same girl you didn't used to like & that you'll break me. all over again. and i won't be able to go through all that pain again. i won't, i can't.
 
so fingers crossed it will turn out great. <3